No Zen For You.

Sometimes it's good to remember

2010-02-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

We stood outside our building on the harbor, the water winding lazily beside us. The air was brisk, but in Amsterdam the air always is, and the sky was clear, a rarity. My cab driver loaded up the last of my bags as I said good-bye. There were so many things left to say, and too many that could never be taken back. I’d like to say that the situation was inevitable, but it wasn’t. I was just lucky. But I loved him, and I think he loved me too. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head into his shoulders, smelling him one last time.

“So, I love you.” The words hurt. The world hurt.

“I know. I love you too.” He replied sadly.

“I guess I’ll see you later.” I whispered, half question, my tears perilously close to the surface. I knew I wouldn’t.

“Yeah. Later.” He held me even tighter. “I love you so much. So much. I never knew love, felt love, until you.”

“I know.” I whispered and hugged him back.

We kissed once more, softly, and I climbed into the cab.

My driver smiled at me kindly as we drove to the airport. “Your love is nice. You don’t see it often. When do you come back?”

I looked up, blinking back tears. “I don’t. That was the end.”

He met my eyes in the rear-view mirror and shook his head slightly. Confused. Then wondered aloud, “But you love him. And he loves you. It’s beautiful.”

It wasn’t really. Beautiful. There was love, I think, or at least pieces of it, sometimes. But it wasn’t enough. And it wasn’t kind.

August 2002

Because I'm Inspiring

2009-10-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

Since it's probably against all English writing code to start posts or anything literary with profanity I shall restrain. But for that code I would just say, Fuck a monkey.

Classy, I know. Whatever. I'm spiraling and really don't know how to stop it. My therapist doesn't know how to stop it. His advice is basically, "lie to yourself." Hmm.. maybe that is helpful for others, but denial has never really worked for me, so no banana.

I can't seem to find the desire to get out of bed. Lovely. I know. I have an incredible family and life, and I can't get out of bed. No one has died, our life has taken a financial turn for the better. I know, who can say that these days? Us. Apparently. My husband got a new job where he only has to work three days a week and makes more than his last job. Hah. Cry me a river. And yet... my good fortune just compounds my guilt and makes me pull the covers closer. Tighter. I don't open the shades, I don't want to know if it's nice outside. Because it's nice under the blankets, and that's all that matters.

I don't think my husband really loves me. I wonder if he ever really did. This doesn't seem to bother him, but it bothers me. He's the love of my life. I used to think that not being able to love someone in the way they love you, no matter how much you wanted to, was one of the worst feelings to live with. Ahhh, but no. The other end of the stick is much more fun.

We have sex like twice a month, and it's perfunctory on my part. Guilt induced really. Husband doesn't "need" it. He wants it, but only if I do. Hah! Okay then. So we're going the celibate route then. And he doesn't masturbate people. For real.

He's the perfect person. Loving, kind, sensitive, never complains, never says a mean thing. I've see him upset twice in the ten years that I've known him. Once because he couldn't "think away" the hiccups. He doesn't get stressed. EVER. He just doesn't FEEL all that much. He's brilliant. The smartest person I've ever known. And I'm a freakin nut job.

I am Van Gogh, minus the amazing art. Well and I have both my ears. So maybe not so much Van Gogh. Point is, I'm a creator, and as such something of a kite in the wind without string. I love fiercely, and feel everything in extremes. It's like the hooker who married the monk. But I'm not really... yeah, you get it.

My health has been on the shits for months (10) and the depression is just getting worse. I'm seeing doctors. SOOOO many doctors, of whom I'm starting to hate by the way. But what do you do when someone is just well, crazy? I don't know. They don't either.

Annnnd, I peed on a stick. And got a line. Fuck me.

It was faint, and I'm not trusting it. Because I can't right now. Another child in my life right now, that I can't take care of. Yes, that's just what I need. Fuck.

I'm peeing again tomorrow. On a fancy stick. A fancy stick with whistles and bells, and perhaps a dancing monkey. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Hell, it has to better than today. It just has to.

I know, kids are dying, people have lost their jobs, husbands hit their wives, people are starving. I'm blessed. I'm so so blessed. Which makes the fact that I can't get out of bed all the better. How did I end up here? No, where did I go? And will I ever come back?

Sux you Anniversary

2009-05-29T10:20:00.001-07:00

One of the worst days of my life. Hands down.

Hubs and I don't normally fight, but boohowdy.

We finally went to bed at three. Both of us crying.

Today I can't look him in the eye.

I haven't hurt like this, well ever.

Anniversarys are dead to me. Forevah.

Annnd, No Cigar.

2009-05-28T12:02:00.001-07:00

Husband and I are very different. Very very different. Which is one of the reasons we work so well. Different, different, different.

Sooooo, lest this bitchfest of a blog take on a happier tone, let's talk about that some more.

Today is our four year anniversary. We've known each other for well over ten, but married for four. And we're M0rm0n. So no sex, no living together, etc. etc. before we were married. And yet, I knew exactly what I was signing up for, so why am I complaining about what I already knew? Question for the ages I suppose.

He's a brilliant fella. Like seriously Mensa off the charts wicked smart. And talented. And funny. And hooboy do I love him. But hooboy does he make me crazy.

Romance? Not so much. Ever.

Ever.

He's sweet, and gentle, and kind. And having been in an abusive relationship for years where my significant other was none of those things, why is this not enough?

It's like I'm married to a robot sometimes. He doesn't FEEL anything. Seriously.

I've never seen him sad, or mad, or frustrated, or anxietal. Evah. He doesn't get upset. Which is great because I swear I'm a bi-freaking-polar train, but my hell living with a robot makes you feel even more bat-shit-crazy than you already are. Good times.

I made him plan our anniversary this year. Because we've never celebrated one before. Or birthdays. Or really Christmas for that matter. We SUX hard.

And the only things I had stipulated in my mind (why didn't I verbalize it you ask? because i thought it was so damn obvious i didn't have too!!) is no "Terminator" movie for our night out (You too Wolverine) and no Temple trip. I love the Templo (let's call it this so we're not easily googled shall we?), but it's a 2 hour excursion to get there (traffic) and the session itself is 3 hours. That's five freaking hours, which I usually love. But when we go on dates, you know once every two months or so, that's what we do. We go to the Templo. Again, which I love. But really?! This is our thinking outside the box. And he KNOWS that this is a big deal to me this year. Our relationship has been a bit turby these past few months, and that extra effort was going to go a LONG way in rectifying some things.

So. Tonight we're going to the Templo. And to our favorite restaurant that we ALWAYS go to, and then home. Maaahhhhhh.

I love him. I do. But I'm tempted to go watch a chick-flick with a box of m&ms alone and call it "celebration."

What Might Have Been

2009-05-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

Soooo, last night hub and I went to a Ballroom Dance Concert in DC. The top formation team in the United States was performing (a team I danced on less than five years ago) and he thought it would be a fun surprise to go support the troops.

Hmmm. Very sweet hubs, very sweet, but the timing? I feel like our lives right now are in a state of entropy and that perhaps a walk down memory lane of one of the happiest periods of my existence was perhaps a bit, uh ill timed. Unless he wanted me on that tour bus when the performance was over. In which case, smooth.

BUT... I think I've grown. Who knew? We watched the performance. It was fun. The dancing was good. And I re-lived fond memories. But you know, I wouldn't trade one minute of their lives for one of mine. This is richer. Hell yeah it's harder. And there are tears. But the sense of rightness and completion I have with my little family surpasses anything I've ever experienced before. Even with the entropy. And the head banging. (Sophie's and mine)

We watched beautiful movement with sparkly dresses and incredible choreography and it was great. And when it was over, I was ready to go home. I missed my girls. I missed our home on the vineyard, and our dog that pees on everything. Catching a glimpse of what once was helped me realize how incredible my life is now.

It's not sparkly. More often than not there's mucas on at least one article of clothing that I'm wearing. The music plain ol sucks (bite me Elmo). The choreography is constantly changing and I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't know the steps.

It's hard. Hell it's hard. But it's better. And it's mine.

Well that was fun

2009-05-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

My husband gets home from work everynight between 730 and 800. And I HATE it. HATE. I know, we live in a suburb, the commute sucks, there aren't really any other options, but I feel like there are and he's just NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. Unfair? Probably. But I still feel that way.

Husband and I don't fight. Or shall I say didn't used to fight, up until about a week ago. My mind has gone bazoo, my body has decided to cease and desist. And well I'm not pleasant company. Yesterday hub said his last meeting was at 330 and that he should be able to leave the city around 400ish. Meaning, he'd be home by five. We could eat together! As a family! I could play with the kids with dad and we could make lasting freaking memories! (expectations high much?) Right. So he comes rollin in around 745. No call. No real good reason.

This happens OVER and OVER and OVER again. And I turn into medusa with snakes for hair and crazy albino rat eyes. (He's a real lucky guy.)

And I lost it. For the first time in our four year marriage I went bat-shit crazy on him. And I said some really really mean things. I have never spoken an unkind word to that sweet man. But I did. And I think I really hurt him. My sweet robot who isn't affected by anything. I've known him for ten years and have never seen him stressed, angry, sad, or upset. (except for that one time he couldn't think away his hiccups. i know.) I hurt him. And I felt like crap.

--------------------------

Several hours later I'd worked myself into a full on whigged out state. I feel like I can't control my mind. The physical world, yeah it sucks sometimes, but I can handle it. It's mah brain that makes me want to swim out into the sea. (Don't you live in VA you ask? Shut up. I could find a sea if I wanted to.)

And it got ugly. I don't think anyone has ever seen me like that before, and I know it scared him. I've seen myself in "the black" as I call it, and it's not pretty and I'm ashamed of it and I never ever ever wanted anyone else to know what lives inside me. Now he does.

I know he won't leave. But who could love that kind of crazy? I was looking for a sea last night, and hubs was scared. He still is.

Hole

2009-05-17T16:06:00.001-07:00

I don't know what to do. I simply do not know what to do. My body is failing me. I've seen three specialists during these past couple of months, have had more things shoved up my hoohoo than I'd like to count, and I'm tired. I'm plain ol sick of it all.

We moved. Our last landlord chased small children with an axe (I am NOT making this up.) and was on 24 hour surveillance by the police. He took a HUGE chunk of our security deposit and now we're suing him. Good times. I am actually a little afraid that he's going to come after us in the middle of the night. Wearing a clown mask.

Our current landlord seemed like an angel sent from above three months ago, but as it turns out he is STEALING from us. We now live on a vineyard, and yes it's beautiful, but he has one of his buildings where all his employees work and saw and build and whatever hooked up to OUR meter. And when we got our first electricity bill for$1000 he played dumb and said he had NO idea why it was so high. What were we doing at our house?! Seriously. Dumbass.

My digestive system has stopped working. Let's leave it at that. I'm 29 and I can't poo.

The depressions/anxiety is crippling. If I could crawl up in a hole and bury myself forever without inflicting pain on my loved ones, I totally would.

My husband lost his job. His company file for chapter 11 a couple months ago and we've just been waiting for the shoe to drop. It has. And since they've filed for bankruptcy there's no severance. Aaaannnnddd since they're disbanding completely in a month, we only have a month of Cobra before that ends as well. With ALL MY PRE-EXISTING conditions. I do not qualify for any insurance on the face of the planet, except for the kind you get ads for in your email and then if you click on them you mysteriously have the ebola virus on your computer. So maybe it'd be best for everyone to re-think that hole option.

And (oh yes there's more) I'm not loving being a mother. What the FUCK is wrong with me?! All my life I swore, oh I'll be a great mom, I'll always let my kids know that I love them, I'll never leave them and make them feel unlovable. It's fun to swear things when you have no effing clue what you're talking about.

My mom left. I get it. It's not okay. But I get it.

My husband is a freaking saint, and sometimes I wonder why I married a saint. I'm not a saint. I don't even want to be a saint. I used to have all these dreams and aspirations and now, well I want to live in a hole.

Half-empty, Half-full

2009-01-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

Well hell. Things here are pretty much bazoo. So I'm thinking about approaching it in two different ways. A game! Let's call it glass half empty, glass half full. Not necessarily in that order. It'll be a monthly tado.

Things here are going great! I have two beautiful daughters, who seem to be getting along better each and every day. For the moment we are all in good health, and we haven't been to the emergency room in over a month! Jeff (hubby's alias) has thus far managed to allude working at a firm and we fully enjoy his company on weekends and in the evenings during the week. We live in a beautiful rental home and have enough room for us and our au-pair Marie (?) to exist comfortably. We have great neighbors and find our location to meet out needs perfectly. I greatly enjoy my new job working for the cow people (true story) and Jeff, well he loves what he does too. My mother is coming into town for the inauguration and has hinted to others that perhaps she'll surprise us and pop by. Family visits are always so exciting and eventful! I usually don't make New Year's resolutions, but broke with tradition this year and made two. Fingers crossed!

Good God. If you're still with me let's move on to half empty.

Things here, are interesting. My daughters seem to be exploring the possibility that perhaps they need not be mortal enemies. Or at least full-on hate one another. Up until these past few weeks, things weren't looking so good.

Today Jeff's company filed for bankruptcy. Bitchinn. He will have a guaranteed paycheck (with insurance. oh let's not leave out insurance!) for 35 more days--34 if you don't count today, which I do.

We have law school debt and aren't barred. Heh. heheheheheh.

We paid almost $20,000 in medical bills last year what with my crazy and Sophie's (1 year old alias) hospital vacations. The thought of not having health insurance next month has me paralyzed.

I'm on meds for my crazy and per the suggestion of my health care provider have attempted to incorporate exercise into my routine. I've worked out twice. In two months. I am the Biggest Loser.

My hair is falling out in clumps from stress. But I'm actually pretty okay with it because I've always felt my mane to be too thick. (wait, i think i'm confusing my glasses)

My mother, who is abusive and cruel, is landing on my doorstep next week. (I have elves. They tell me things.) At my request we are no longer communicate. As such this is not part of the agreement and I'm a little scared. We haven't had one conversation in over ten years that hasn't resulted in tears (mine) and vomiting (me again). (too graphic? it's glass half empty people!) That and the timing BLOWS.

I've been looking for alternate rental homes in the area and there are none. Apparently no one wants to buy in this market (i just don't understand!) and so finding something cheaper is proving to be more difficult than anticipated. That and our landlord is giving us a screaming deal on the house we're living in now, and so going cheaper pretty much means putting up a tent in the neighbors backyard. (they have a big dog. we'd be safe.)

I have two goals that I'd set for this year and thus far haven't done a damn thing about either. Bravo.

Erin, my word for this year is breath.

Just between us

2008-12-31T11:31:00.001-08:00

Did I have to check my old email to find the name of this blog is again today? Yes. My hell. What is wrong with me?

Right, so dilemma. Well, not really, but whenever faced with controversy I feel like it's a dilemma, because I hate confrontation. Hate it. But alas.

So I changed the location and names on my new blog because I had long suspected that I was no longer writing on the down-low. Sometimes people would mention things in conversations with me that I know I hadn't told them, or anyone else for that matter. Save the blog. And my husband. Heh. Sooo, as much fun as having friends and relatives read about my trips to the crazyhouse and never ending battle with PPD is... no.

I don't keep a journal, and the one's I did keep at one point I burned. Because dear lord. (Swistle, you are braver than any woman I have ever known. And some of the old journal entries you've posted are some of the grandest essays I have ever read. Anywhere. They fill me with delight and joy. Thank you.) I would rather take a big one up the wahoobee than re-read some of my old stuff, let alone post for the world to see.

So I got an email this morning from an old "friend" of mine asking for the new site. heh. hehehehellno. How she got it in the first place (you used your real names dip shit, that's how she found it in the first place. you have no one to blame but yourself.) nevermind. But I write here because as much as I LOVE everyone who commented at the old site, I never had to face them. You know? Telling strangers (or at least people I haven't met in person) about your darkest struggles is so much easier, than say discussing it with your neighbor. Because hey, if they're judging you, (which they usually aren't) it's okay! I won't be seeing you at the cookout on Friday and seeing that judgement in your eyes.

I don't have any sisters (three brothers). And I don't have a mother (she's somewhere. but that's another story.) My husband has SEVEN brothers and no sisters (the only reason I'm throwin that out there is to explain his lack of hmmm... understanding at times of the feminine mystique.). We live in VA, and my family is in Utah. (whaa that's a big reveal that I really don't know if I want out yet. but meh.) So what I'm really getting at is this, it's nice to have friends. Women friends who understand you, and don't judge you, and laugh with you when you need it.

I've never been conventional in the circles that I run in. We can all say that that's a good thing, and be your own person, and blahdeblahdeblah, but sometimes it's just nice to fit in somewhere. You know? I've always struggled to do that, and here I feel like I don't (struggle that is). Because if I want to say shitdamnhell, well, I do. And I don't feel bad about it. (husband has long since stopped reading my blogs. it's best for our marriage.) If I want to say that "goddamnit I had a terrible day," I do. And it's okay too. Everything's not always fine. (big bright smile! would you care for a muffin?!)

I love the life that I've chosen. I really do. My marriage is incredible. I have two amazingly wonderful kids. My husband and I both have jobs (one stable. one not so much.). And we're happy. I'm happy. But I'm even more happy when I can let this side of myself be sometimes too. Does that make any sense?

It does to me. And that (longwinded much ~~Jess~~ Ilana?) is why I'm going to tell her no.

Going with the wind and my GPS tracker

2008-12-30T15:32:00.000-08:00

Hell. This is not rocket science. All day long I've been trying to memorize the name and location of my new blog. (this new. and shiny. and incredibly long worded. blog) I've had to login to two rarely used email accounts (TWICE) to actually find it. I'm all, "moments in zen? talking in zen? where the fuck is my Ativan?" No, no, that's not it. But it might have been a more apt title I'm thinking. So yes. Thus far we're off to a brilliant start. Hope your brain handles change better than mine.

Zen 2.8 (just drank 20 oz of diet coke and inhaled king size packet of m&ms. number should improve soon.)

Just a little something for the kids

2008-12-30T09:25:00.001-08:00

I thought I'd kick things off with a questionnaire that pretty much everyone's filling out right now, courtesy of Sundry.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
-Married, but not pregnant. (angels singing? somewhere? no? maybe just in my mind then.)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-I didn't set any. Yes. This year I will.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-Yes, a good friend.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
-No. Thank heavens.

5. What countries did you visit?
-Does Target count? It should.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
-Ahhh. More Zen. Less medication. Or maybe just more Zen.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-November 4th. Historic.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
- I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago. The PPD-train wreck seems to be cleaning up a bit.

9. What was your biggest failure?
-Not having enough faith in my husband. He so deserves it. And I pretty much suck at having faith in general.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
-Hell yeah. Good times.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
-I can't put that here. But it's awesome.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-Mitt Romney

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Oooh. So negative and sure to piss someone off. So let's just say skip. Although he knows who he is.

14. Where did most of your money go?
-Rent. And medical bills. And school loans. Sexy.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-Book four of the Twilight series. (Good Lord. Is this really going to be in my first post?)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
-Sesame Street Theme Song

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder?b) thinner or fatter?c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier. Good heavens, happier. Things were pretty bad at this point last year.
b) Thinner. It was a 70 pregnancy. Seriously.
c)And both. More income coming in, more debts to pay.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
-Played more at the playground.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
-Worrying

20. How did you spend Christmas?
-With my husband and two girls in our home. Best. Christmas. Ever.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
-More in love.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
-The Amazing Race. Love it!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
-No. Hate's strong.

24. What was the best book you read?
-Lordy, here we go again. Breaking Dawn--Stephenie Meyer.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
-A new girlfriend of mine is a masterful pianist. And now we play duets all the time. Sanity on a cracker.

26. What did you want and get?
-No one living in my uterus. Oh, and an au-pair. In that order.

27. What did you want and not get?
-A promotion for my husband. Why get promoted I ask when the whole company can possibly tank instead?! Good times.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
-Annnnd skip!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-I went to work. Came home to cake. And went to dinner with hubby. 29

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-Winning the lottery.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
-Stretchy pants? Do they need describing?

32. What kept you sane?
-Good strong drugs. And my husband. And cuddles with my girls.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-I'm a little in love with Mitt Romney. It cannot be helped.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
-Ooooh. We're all still getting to know each other here, so skip.

35. Who did you miss?
-My dad.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
- J.Bev. My piano rockin friend.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
- My family will always be there for me. No matter what.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
-Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

Meet the Robinsons

**Zen level 5