One of the worst days of my life. Hands down.
Hubs and I don't normally fight, but boohowdy.
We finally went to bed at three. Both of us crying.
Today I can't look him in the eye.
I haven't hurt like this, well ever.
Anniversarys are dead to me. Forevah.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Annnd, No Cigar.
Husband and I are very different. Very very different. Which is one of the reasons we work so well. Different, different, different.
Sooooo, lest this bitchfest of a blog take on a happier tone, let's talk about that some more.
Today is our four year anniversary. We've known each other for well over ten, but married for four. And we're M0rm0n. So no sex, no living together, etc. etc. before we were married. And yet, I knew exactly what I was signing up for, so why am I complaining about what I already knew? Question for the ages I suppose.
He's a brilliant fella. Like seriously Mensa off the charts wicked smart. And talented. And funny. And hooboy do I love him. But hooboy does he make me crazy.
Romance? Not so much. Ever.
Ever.
He's sweet, and gentle, and kind. And having been in an abusive relationship for years where my significant other was none of those things, why is this not enough?
It's like I'm married to a robot sometimes. He doesn't FEEL anything. Seriously.
I've never seen him sad, or mad, or frustrated, or anxietal. Evah. He doesn't get upset. Which is great because I swear I'm a bi-freaking-polar train, but my hell living with a robot makes you feel even more bat-shit-crazy than you already are. Good times.
I made him plan our anniversary this year. Because we've never celebrated one before. Or birthdays. Or really Christmas for that matter. We SUX hard.
And the only things I had stipulated in my mind (why didn't I verbalize it you ask? because i thought it was so damn obvious i didn't have too!!) is no "Terminator" movie for our night out (You too Wolverine) and no Temple trip. I love the Templo (let's call it this so we're not easily googled shall we?), but it's a 2 hour excursion to get there (traffic) and the session itself is 3 hours. That's five freaking hours, which I usually love. But when we go on dates, you know once every two months or so, that's what we do. We go to the Templo. Again, which I love. But really?! This is our thinking outside the box. And he KNOWS that this is a big deal to me this year. Our relationship has been a bit turby these past few months, and that extra effort was going to go a LONG way in rectifying some things.
So. Tonight we're going to the Templo. And to our favorite restaurant that we ALWAYS go to, and then home. Maaahhhhhh.
I love him. I do. But I'm tempted to go watch a chick-flick with a box of m&ms alone and call it "celebration."
Sooooo, lest this bitchfest of a blog take on a happier tone, let's talk about that some more.
Today is our four year anniversary. We've known each other for well over ten, but married for four. And we're M0rm0n. So no sex, no living together, etc. etc. before we were married. And yet, I knew exactly what I was signing up for, so why am I complaining about what I already knew? Question for the ages I suppose.
He's a brilliant fella. Like seriously Mensa off the charts wicked smart. And talented. And funny. And hooboy do I love him. But hooboy does he make me crazy.
Romance? Not so much. Ever.
Ever.
He's sweet, and gentle, and kind. And having been in an abusive relationship for years where my significant other was none of those things, why is this not enough?
It's like I'm married to a robot sometimes. He doesn't FEEL anything. Seriously.
I've never seen him sad, or mad, or frustrated, or anxietal. Evah. He doesn't get upset. Which is great because I swear I'm a bi-freaking-polar train, but my hell living with a robot makes you feel even more bat-shit-crazy than you already are. Good times.
I made him plan our anniversary this year. Because we've never celebrated one before. Or birthdays. Or really Christmas for that matter. We SUX hard.
And the only things I had stipulated in my mind (why didn't I verbalize it you ask? because i thought it was so damn obvious i didn't have too!!) is no "Terminator" movie for our night out (You too Wolverine) and no Temple trip. I love the Templo (let's call it this so we're not easily googled shall we?), but it's a 2 hour excursion to get there (traffic) and the session itself is 3 hours. That's five freaking hours, which I usually love. But when we go on dates, you know once every two months or so, that's what we do. We go to the Templo. Again, which I love. But really?! This is our thinking outside the box. And he KNOWS that this is a big deal to me this year. Our relationship has been a bit turby these past few months, and that extra effort was going to go a LONG way in rectifying some things.
So. Tonight we're going to the Templo. And to our favorite restaurant that we ALWAYS go to, and then home. Maaahhhhhh.
I love him. I do. But I'm tempted to go watch a chick-flick with a box of m&ms alone and call it "celebration."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
What Might Have Been
Soooo, last night hub and I went to a Ballroom Dance Concert in DC. The top formation team in the United States was performing (a team I danced on less than five years ago) and he thought it would be a fun surprise to go support the troops.
Hmmm. Very sweet hubs, very sweet, but the timing? I feel like our lives right now are in a state of entropy and that perhaps a walk down memory lane of one of the happiest periods of my existence was perhaps a bit, uh ill timed. Unless he wanted me on that tour bus when the performance was over. In which case, smooth.
BUT... I think I've grown. Who knew? We watched the performance. It was fun. The dancing was good. And I re-lived fond memories. But you know, I wouldn't trade one minute of their lives for one of mine. This is richer. Hell yeah it's harder. And there are tears. But the sense of rightness and completion I have with my little family surpasses anything I've ever experienced before. Even with the entropy. And the head banging. (Sophie's and mine)
We watched beautiful movement with sparkly dresses and incredible choreography and it was great. And when it was over, I was ready to go home. I missed my girls. I missed our home on the vineyard, and our dog that pees on everything. Catching a glimpse of what once was helped me realize how incredible my life is now.
It's not sparkly. More often than not there's mucas on at least one article of clothing that I'm wearing. The music plain ol sucks (bite me Elmo). The choreography is constantly changing and I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't know the steps.
It's hard. Hell it's hard. But it's better. And it's mine.
Hmmm. Very sweet hubs, very sweet, but the timing? I feel like our lives right now are in a state of entropy and that perhaps a walk down memory lane of one of the happiest periods of my existence was perhaps a bit, uh ill timed. Unless he wanted me on that tour bus when the performance was over. In which case, smooth.
BUT... I think I've grown. Who knew? We watched the performance. It was fun. The dancing was good. And I re-lived fond memories. But you know, I wouldn't trade one minute of their lives for one of mine. This is richer. Hell yeah it's harder. And there are tears. But the sense of rightness and completion I have with my little family surpasses anything I've ever experienced before. Even with the entropy. And the head banging. (Sophie's and mine)
We watched beautiful movement with sparkly dresses and incredible choreography and it was great. And when it was over, I was ready to go home. I missed my girls. I missed our home on the vineyard, and our dog that pees on everything. Catching a glimpse of what once was helped me realize how incredible my life is now.
It's not sparkly. More often than not there's mucas on at least one article of clothing that I'm wearing. The music plain ol sucks (bite me Elmo). The choreography is constantly changing and I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't know the steps.
It's hard. Hell it's hard. But it's better. And it's mine.
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