Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Just between us

Did I have to check my old email to find the name of this blog is again today? Yes. My hell. What is wrong with me?

Right, so dilemma. Well, not really, but whenever faced with controversy I feel like it's a dilemma, because I hate confrontation. Hate it. But alas.

So I changed the location and names on my new blog because I had long suspected that I was no longer writing on the down-low. Sometimes people would mention things in conversations with me that I know I hadn't told them, or anyone else for that matter. Save the blog. And my husband. Heh. Sooo, as much fun as having friends and relatives read about my trips to the crazyhouse and never ending battle with PPD is... no.

I don't keep a journal, and the one's I did keep at one point I burned. Because dear lord. (Swistle, you are braver than any woman I have ever known. And some of the old journal entries you've posted are some of the grandest essays I have ever read. Anywhere. They fill me with delight and joy. Thank you.) I would rather take a big one up the wahoobee than re-read some of my old stuff, let alone post for the world to see.

So I got an email this morning from an old "friend" of mine asking for the new site. heh. hehehehellno. How she got it in the first place (you used your real names dip shit, that's how she found it in the first place. you have no one to blame but yourself.) nevermind. But I write here because as much as I LOVE everyone who commented at the old site, I never had to face them. You know? Telling strangers (or at least people I haven't met in person) about your darkest struggles is so much easier, than say discussing it with your neighbor. Because hey, if they're judging you, (which they usually aren't) it's okay! I won't be seeing you at the cookout on Friday and seeing that judgement in your eyes.

I don't have any sisters (three brothers). And I don't have a mother (she's somewhere. but that's another story.) My husband has SEVEN brothers and no sisters (the only reason I'm throwin that out there is to explain his lack of hmmm... understanding at times of the feminine mystique.). We live in VA, and my family is in Utah. (whaa that's a big reveal that I really don't know if I want out yet. but meh.) So what I'm really getting at is this, it's nice to have friends. Women friends who understand you, and don't judge you, and laugh with you when you need it.

I've never been conventional in the circles that I run in. We can all say that that's a good thing, and be your own person, and blahdeblahdeblah, but sometimes it's just nice to fit in somewhere. You know? I've always struggled to do that, and here I feel like I don't (struggle that is). Because if I want to say shitdamnhell, well, I do. And I don't feel bad about it. (husband has long since stopped reading my blogs. it's best for our marriage.) If I want to say that "goddamnit I had a terrible day," I do. And it's okay too. Everything's not always fine. (big bright smile! would you care for a muffin?!)

I love the life that I've chosen. I really do. My marriage is incredible. I have two amazingly wonderful kids. My husband and I both have jobs (one stable. one not so much.). And we're happy. I'm happy. But I'm even more happy when I can let this side of myself be sometimes too. Does that make any sense?

It does to me. And that (longwinded much Jess Ilana?) is why I'm going to tell her no.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Going with the wind and my GPS tracker

Hell. This is not rocket science. All day long I've been trying to memorize the name and location of my new blog. (this new. and shiny. and incredibly long worded. blog) I've had to login to two rarely used email accounts (TWICE) to actually find it. I'm all, "moments in zen? talking in zen? where the fuck is my Ativan?" No, no, that's not it. But it might have been a more apt title I'm thinking. So yes. Thus far we're off to a brilliant start. Hope your brain handles change better than mine.

Zen 2.8 (just drank 20 oz of diet coke and inhaled king size packet of m&ms. number should improve soon.)

Just a little something for the kids

I thought I'd kick things off with a questionnaire that pretty much everyone's filling out right now, courtesy of Sundry.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
-Married, but not pregnant. (angels singing? somewhere? no? maybe just in my mind then.)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-I didn't set any. Yes. This year I will.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-Yes, a good friend.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
-No. Thank heavens.

5. What countries did you visit?
-Does Target count? It should.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
-Ahhh. More Zen. Less medication. Or maybe just more Zen.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-November 4th. Historic.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
- I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago. The PPD-train wreck seems to be cleaning up a bit.

9. What was your biggest failure?
-Not having enough faith in my husband. He so deserves it. And I pretty much suck at having faith in general.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
-Hell yeah. Good times.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
-I can't put that here. But it's awesome.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-Mitt Romney

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Oooh. So negative and sure to piss someone off. So let's just say skip. Although he knows who he is.

14. Where did most of your money go?
-Rent. And medical bills. And school loans. Sexy.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-Book four of the Twilight series. (Good Lord. Is this really going to be in my first post?)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
-Sesame Street Theme Song

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder?b) thinner or fatter?c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier. Good heavens, happier. Things were pretty bad at this point last year.
b) Thinner. It was a 70 pregnancy. Seriously.
c)And both. More income coming in, more debts to pay.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
-Played more at the playground.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

20. How did you spend Christmas?
-With my husband and two girls in our home. Best. Christmas. Ever.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
-More in love.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
-The Amazing Race. Love it!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
-No. Hate's strong.

24. What was the best book you read?
-Lordy, here we go again. Breaking Dawn--Stephenie Meyer.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
-A new girlfriend of mine is a masterful pianist. And now we play duets all the time. Sanity on a cracker.

26. What did you want and get?
-No one living in my uterus. Oh, and an au-pair. In that order.

27. What did you want and not get?
-A promotion for my husband. Why get promoted I ask when the whole company can possibly tank instead?! Good times.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
-Annnnd skip!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-I went to work. Came home to cake. And went to dinner with hubby. 29

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-Winning the lottery.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
-Stretchy pants? Do they need describing?

32. What kept you sane?
-Good strong drugs. And my husband. And cuddles with my girls.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-I'm a little in love with Mitt Romney. It cannot be helped.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
-Ooooh. We're all still getting to know each other here, so skip.

35. Who did you miss?
-My dad.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
- J.Bev. My piano rockin friend.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
- My family will always be there for me. No matter what.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
-Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

Meet the Robinsons

**Zen level 5