Sunday, May 17, 2009


I don't know what to do. I simply do not know what to do. My body is failing me. I've seen three specialists during these past couple of months, have had more things shoved up my hoohoo than I'd like to count, and I'm tired. I'm plain ol sick of it all.

We moved. Our last landlord chased small children with an axe (I am NOT making this up.) and was on 24 hour surveillance by the police. He took a HUGE chunk of our security deposit and now we're suing him. Good times. I am actually a little afraid that he's going to come after us in the middle of the night. Wearing a clown mask.

Our current landlord seemed like an angel sent from above three months ago, but as it turns out he is STEALING from us. We now live on a vineyard, and yes it's beautiful, but he has one of his buildings where all his employees work and saw and build and whatever hooked up to OUR meter. And when we got our first electricity bill for$1000 he played dumb and said he had NO idea why it was so high. What were we doing at our house?! Seriously. Dumbass.

My digestive system has stopped working. Let's leave it at that. I'm 29 and I can't poo.

The depressions/anxiety is crippling. If I could crawl up in a hole and bury myself forever without inflicting pain on my loved ones, I totally would.

My husband lost his job. His company file for chapter 11 a couple months ago and we've just been waiting for the shoe to drop. It has. And since they've filed for bankruptcy there's no severance. Aaaannnnddd since they're disbanding completely in a month, we only have a month of Cobra before that ends as well. With ALL MY PRE-EXISTING conditions. I do not qualify for any insurance on the face of the planet, except for the kind you get ads for in your email and then if you click on them you mysteriously have the ebola virus on your computer. So maybe it'd be best for everyone to re-think that hole option.

And (oh yes there's more) I'm not loving being a mother. What the FUCK is wrong with me?! All my life I swore, oh I'll be a great mom, I'll always let my kids know that I love them, I'll never leave them and make them feel unlovable. It's fun to swear things when you have no effing clue what you're talking about.

My mom left. I get it. It's not okay. But I get it.

My husband is a freaking saint, and sometimes I wonder why I married a saint. I'm not a saint. I don't even want to be a saint. I used to have all these dreams and aspirations and now, well I want to live in a hole.

1 comment:

  1. Oh honey. There is so much here. I am so sorry. Life is so fucking HARD sometimes. It is not fair. And it SUCKS. I am not religious, and don't mean it in any religious way, but this too shall pass. And you will make it to the other side. You will.

    You will.