Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Well that was fun

My husband gets home from work everynight between 730 and 800. And I HATE it. HATE. I know, we live in a suburb, the commute sucks, there aren't really any other options, but I feel like there are and he's just NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. Unfair? Probably. But I still feel that way.

Husband and I don't fight. Or shall I say didn't used to fight, up until about a week ago. My mind has gone bazoo, my body has decided to cease and desist. And well I'm not pleasant company. Yesterday hub said his last meeting was at 330 and that he should be able to leave the city around 400ish. Meaning, he'd be home by five. We could eat together! As a family! I could play with the kids with dad and we could make lasting freaking memories! (expectations high much?) Right. So he comes rollin in around 745. No call. No real good reason.

This happens OVER and OVER and OVER again. And I turn into medusa with snakes for hair and crazy albino rat eyes. (He's a real lucky guy.)

And I lost it. For the first time in our four year marriage I went bat-shit crazy on him. And I said some really really mean things. I have never spoken an unkind word to that sweet man. But I did. And I think I really hurt him. My sweet robot who isn't affected by anything. I've known him for ten years and have never seen him stressed, angry, sad, or upset. (except for that one time he couldn't think away his hiccups. i know.) I hurt him. And I felt like crap.


Several hours later I'd worked myself into a full on whigged out state. I feel like I can't control my mind. The physical world, yeah it sucks sometimes, but I can handle it. It's mah brain that makes me want to swim out into the sea. (Don't you live in VA you ask? Shut up. I could find a sea if I wanted to.)

And it got ugly. I don't think anyone has ever seen me like that before, and I know it scared him. I've seen myself in "the black" as I call it, and it's not pretty and I'm ashamed of it and I never ever ever wanted anyone else to know what lives inside me. Now he does.

I know he won't leave. But who could love that kind of crazy? I was looking for a sea last night, and hubs was scared. He still is.

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